| (no subject) |
[Oct. 17th, 2009|12:53 pm] |
ive gone through way too much lately. its starting to consume and overpower me. im overwhelmed with emotions i cant control.
i feel like i was pressured into my decision. theres no going back. i was selfish and weak.
i want to die today, simply because i dont desrve to live. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 16th, 2009|09:26 am] |
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i cant believe i had to go through this. i cant believe what a douche bag he is. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 13th, 2009|08:14 pm] |
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thing are so god damn weird right now. im buggin |
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| wow |
[Oct. 11th, 2009|10:20 pm] |
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its been forever since i wrote in here.
idk why i stopped. i guess i just lost inerest soooo much has changed.
My life right now: things with my family (aka my mom) are really bad. she addmits its her all time low. its so hard to handle it. i feel like i have no one to turn to. i try to reach out, but no one unerstands. im going to look into the suport group at carrier.
n scares me really bad. i dont even know what to say anymore.
that kid sant* (for lack of a better term) is weird. although sometimes i feel a little awkward it kinda makes it more exciting. im being safe though. dont worry. last night was pretty pathetic though ha. ~ my sponcer dosnt think its terrible that he smokes weed. she just tells me to be straight with him and make sure its not around me. witch i have been doing.
I have one year in exactly 2 weeks!
im excited and scared all at the same time. this is huge to me, probably the most imortant thing i will ever do. its hard for "outsiders" to see that. my dad really doesnt understand. i hate it.
Im just really happy i have great people in my life today!
wish the well
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 9th, 2009|04:50 pm] |
ok im here just for sarah, lol....and who ever else reads this
i just got home, witch imhappy about. i miss it a little though already.
nervous about going back to school, but w.e
this weekend with steven and my dad was so bad, i was in a bad mood and we ened up like doing nothing. steve has been so sweet to me lately. he kisses me and holds m hand. i love him. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 20th, 2008|11:25 pm] |
life is strange and crazy. you never know whats going on.
maybe its just my brain thats strange and crazy that takes me to this point. i mean im doing so well and i know i will continue doing well, its just that i hate this feeling soo much. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 8th, 2008|12:46 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | accomplished | ] |
you know whats fucking insaine? for the first time since middleschool i actually like my school. i have good fealings about this working out!!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 7th, 2008|06:28 pm] |
i cant explain how i feel right now. im happy but me and steve just faught in the car over really stupid shit.
i hope ive cleared the air |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 2nd, 2008|11:19 pm] |
so ok ive decided to start writing again for my head. i dout anyone will read it though
i start school tomorrow, i hope it goes well
i hung out with a bunch of people from NA after my meating tonight. it was really awesome. im making some serious conections.
i think im crazy, like gonna lose my mind anytime. my mom told me that the dr thinks im having paranoid delutions. w.e i mean its all PTSD related anyways.
my mom lost her job today. i feel so guilty, if it werent for me she would be able to work better, not perfectly, but better.
me and steve are ok. i just want him to find a job and my family keeps saying shit about it. I love him so god damn much, but its work to keep a relationship healthy and together.
my lyrics for the day:
She hides
The television
Says I don't owe him nothing,
But if he comes back again
Tell him to wait right here for me |
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| Bordem |
[Apr. 3rd, 2008|10:26 am] |
its always there to cradel me
to fill the void deep inside
its comfort
a reminder of who i am
people see it as a bad thing
i see it as part of me |
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| The week of hell |
[Feb. 28th, 2008|07:37 pm] |
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It seems like for everyone i know this ha been a terrible week |
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| Yesturday |
[Feb. 15th, 2008|07:18 am] |
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I had like the worst day.
so this girl in high focus has a similar issue to me and she just started talking about it and like in the begging i was ok but then i started freaking out and crying. then i went into total flashback mode. i got through the rest of the day though. then when i went home, well to my dads office, i decided it was time to tell an important detail and i told steve. now he was like bullying me and i felt like shit. amanda called him and knocked some sence into him though (yay amanda)
but then i really felt like using and i took CCC from my dads office. then me and my dad got into a fight about me needing to go to moms. finially i got there and told my mom i had the drugs and felt better. i also confided this detail to her.
then there was group and my mood inproved alot.
i had a really crappy day to say the least but i think i coped with it really well. im not letting it effect me today.
so today im suposed to go over amanda but idk if i can cause i have to go to an AA meating.
tomorrow i get to sleep over steves! whoot whoot.
ok goal for the day- to have a much more relaxing day.
and as far as triggers i think i already explained those. |
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| Ok so the deal is |
[Feb. 13th, 2008|03:46 pm] |
as part of my therapy i am now suposed to make goals every day and talk about my triggers so here we go...
my goal is jus to see steve and relax
my triggers lately have been my mom. i love her to death but she makes me so anxious and she just dosnt get it even though she has the same problem..urg. shes so munipulative and just bleh. things are s complicated between us really.
anywho my day was pretty good.
i woke up in the middle of the night with a panic attack and i have no idea why. its bothering me.
im going to iop next week (thank god)
im getting to see steve today. yay! hes driving up but he will probably be stuck in traffic so who knows when hell get here. ugh. idc as long as i get to see him. i love him so much. i cant wait to be out of my house and living with him. : )
ok tata |
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| Bad mood |
[Feb. 12th, 2008|09:01 pm] |
so today i remebered i had one of these when christian asked me if i had one. so maybe ill start writing here to.
so much shit has happened in the last few months i cant even tell you.
i was actually in a good mood today befor i went shopping with my mom ick. i hate her sometimes. idk why though, i mean im confused by it honestly.
i really hope high focus is closed tomorrow, but its probably better if its not because i feel like shit. i could use a bit of therapy. but like i talk in there every day and i feel like some people might find that anoying. thats probably just my anxiety acting.
so apparently they think i might have asburgers or somme shit, wich is bull because i think i really understand people. fuck the stupid tests.
i got testing done at high focus today. it sucked. |
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| so ive started... |
[Oct. 20th, 2005|04:39 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Led Zepplin, Earlier Days | ] |
ok so i have decided to start a live journal, purly to keep in touch with my friends
so im sick, probly from the lexapro, ag everything was really bad fofr a while but now things look, sort of ok. ill have to see the real look of things when i get home. bleh, wish me luck
i need to find my frnds live journal accounts, so right now i have none, but i will have soon.
ok weel tell more latter
sara |
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